I usually try to walk several miles per day. In the course of these amblings I often run across wild life of various sorts. However, yesterday was exceptional in that I encountered so may dangerous species. My first encounter was with the dreaded Florida mud turtle. I stealthily snuck up on them and captured this photograph of the turtles sunning themselves in a seemingly benign way. Upon sensing my presence, they immediately charged me and I had to run for my life. The only reason I escaped with my life was because I was able to jump the golf course fence.
After jumping the fence, things got worse. Elevating my vision to the barren branches of a large tree I was confronted by a portentious
omen. Great Florida Turkey Buzzards had gathered to await the appearance of carrion for there evening feast. Who knows what slithering creatures might emerge from the canal in an unholy alliance with the buzzards to to deliver that evening repast? I did not wait around to find out. I believed the golf course was safer. With great trepidation I jumped back over the fence.
Iguanas!?^&%#. Being the intrepid, later day Marlin Perkins of the Country Club of Miami. I returned to the golf course despite my encounter with the dreaded mud turtles figuring that it had to be safer than anything that buzzards or serpents might have in store for me only to be terrorized yet again by killer iguanas. The killer sub-species (Iguana Occisor) of iguanas has a very narrow geographical range limited to the Country Club Square Mile of Miami-Dade County Florida. They remain unreported in any other part of the world. Unlike other iguanidae that are strictly herbivorous, the Iguana Occisor is a carnivore. Although the killer iguana can subsist on virtually any kind of meat, it has a predilection for golfers. The physiological and environmental causes for this predilection are not known, additional research is needed. It has been reported that these creatures can eat up to two times their body weight in a single day.
Well, I was walking along when this juvenile lizard bolted out from behind a tree blocking my way. It was eying me like Cassius with the proverbial lean and hungry look. I was considering what part of my anatomy this 2-pound youngster wanted. I didn't like the idea of losing four pounds of flesh so I screamed so loudly that the sonic pressure of my voice knocked him off his feet and I was able to escape with my life.
My doctor says that walking is an excellent form of exercise that will keep me young and healthy. While that may be true, my excursions into the wilds of the Country Club of Miami may not be such a good idea. Who knew of the perils that lurk behind every tree or behind that idyllic elevated green? What about the whispered rumors of the predators that inhabit the stygian darkness of those overgrown primeval roughs and unkempt bunkers? Foolishly undaunted, I ignored such folklore and I trudged forward on my daily constitutional only to be confronted by an angry flock of Egyptian man-hunting geese. I was able to get a snapshot of them before they pursued me at high speed, showering me with their notoriously copious quantities of goose excrement. Every day is an adventure.
There was a silver lining to these events or more accurately a odiferous coating. I soon ran across a pair of brutal and rapacious Wood Storks. However, it turned out that the man-hunting Egyptian had unwittingly provided me with a cloak that made invisible or maybe simply repugnant to the to the Wood Storks. My home and safety were now in sight.
After all that, I was happy to arrive at home for a well-deserved shower and rest. Despite everything, it was a wonderful day. I had unflinchingly faced the deadliest denizens of the Country Club of Miami ecosystem. Giant alligators, boa constrictors, pythons, coral snakes, Florida Panthers and other members of the Florida pantheon of predators no longer hold my imagination in fearsome thrall. I am truly free.
